Crimes and Misdemeanors - the incident call

As a parent of two energetic boys, I’ve learned to anticipate the inevitable call about an incident at school or camp. I understand that it is impossible to see everything leading up to an altercation. But to teach my sons something useful, I need to be very concrete and specific – so I need facts.

It’s simply not okay for a camp or school to call and tell me Taylor (or Benjamin) misbehaved without context. I need information and I am going to ask questions until I get it. Too often, the caller expects me to defend my child or justify his behavior without listening. That’s not my goal. My goal is to teach my child how he can make a different choice next time – but that takes some understanding of the situation. Take my recent incident call:

“Taylor really misbehaved – over the top. He was very upset that things didn’t go his way in a game.”
“Really? That’s surprising. Can you tell me what happened?”
“No, I wasn’t there. But his reaction was over the top.”
“What did he do?”
“He kicked and hit and screamed.”
“Do you know why?” - No
“Can I talk with him?” – Yes.

I learned from him that a friend of his first pushed him over the foul line on the field causing his goal to not be counted – but there was no tantrum then. Taylor did complain about what his friend did. That’s as far as I got before the camp director resumed the conversation and told me that I couldn’t help him justify his behavior. So far, I didn’t know what his behavior was except that it was out of character. My job as a parent is to understand enough that I can teach my child and to advocate for him if he cannot. In that order.

Luckily, his friend is in the karmic carpool and I had the chance to talk to the friend and the friend’s mom. The rest of the story:

After the game, the friend shut a gym door in Taylor’s face and Taylor shoved the door open and pushed back. Both boys were sent to the office. The friend provoked Taylor verbally there and Taylor hit him. That’s when I got the call. Taylor did not make the right choice, but after two or three successive provocations, I’m not exactly surprised. So the lesson was “choices when someone is annoying you.”

I am still concerned that the camp director didn’t have the facts and assumed that it was a sportsmanship issue about losing a game. My definition of sportsmanship doesn’t extend to two boys sitting in an office. My experience is that when kids get under each other’s skin, it’s best to separate them and let them cool off. Any other ideas (I was thinking a water hose would work too!)?

Baby Monitor Smack Down - webcam vs. traditional sound monitor

A good friend asked if I had any thoughts about if he should invest in a webcam baby monitor for his second child. He has a standard baby monitor from baby #1. With my first child, I bought multiple baby monitors because I couldn’t find one that worked reliably in our cordless phone, near our neighbors and wireless networked house. And our baby’s nursery is as far away as possible from the master suite – not intentional, but ultimately very nice. For the record, the (then) $19.99 Fisher Price Sound and Lights monitor was the absolute best.

We’re past baby monitors now – if our kids need us, they either come and get us or shout at the top of their lungs. And only the baby who cannot get out of her crib is tolerated using the shouting technique. I did a little research on these webcam baby monitors on Amazon and Babymonitors.com. There’s a Dad’s actual experience here. But my recommendation to my friend – don’t bother with the webcam baby monitor.

First, most of the moments with a newborn are not all that interesting - sort of like watching paint dry. Of course they’re snuggly and cute and those hands and feet are just amazing. But it’s not really an interesting video stream. Think about how often you watch home videos – you’d watch more if they were edited. How often do you do that? I have about a year’s worth of video snippets that need to be burned to a grandparent and great-grandparent DVD.

Second, when they get more entertaining, they generally are moving all over the place so a stationary camera is likely to miss the most interesting activities. Cameras are portable for this reason.

Third, if you are going to do video-calls with family, it’s nice to control the environment a little bit. Plus every Mac can do this easily with iChat and I think PCs can do it as well. Not to mention it doesn’t invade the privacy of your home without your permission.

So, save the $170+ or apply it to a video camera and get good at posting the most adorable videos of your children that you can catch. I predict that the webcam just won’t get viewed often and everyone will still want the cute videos that they can kvell over with their friends.

What do you think?  What sort of monitor did you use and did it help you sleep or keep you up?

Breast or Bottle - both work just fine

Its a shame that anyone - medical professional or layman - would make a mother feel guilty for taking care of her child.

I breastfed 3 children for 12 months each because I both wanted to (important) and my body cooperated (important). Because my children were in day care starting at 9 weeks or so, they were also bottlefed (happened to be breastmilk, but bottle sanitation is as important).

When expecting mother's ask me about how to do it, here's what I tell them:

1. Breastfeeding is NOT intuitive for you or your baby. Expect it to be something you both need to learn and will take practice. Share this gem of wisdom with your partner.


2. Breastfeeding doesn't always work and the more anxious you are about it, the more likely it is to fail. Try to relax. And it still might not work - so be glad you have other options.


3. Milk production requires sleep and water. Do everything you can to recover from pregnancy and delivery. This is not the time for supermom behavior. Even if you don't breastfeed, you need to recover to be a good Mom.  Drink a lot of water.


4. Most of our generation was raised on formula and we're fine - if it doesn't work, don't make it more than it is.


5. You will feel judged for every parenting decision you make. The sooner you believe in your own (with your partner, if you have one) judgement, the better your parenting life is going to be.

Hope it helps.

Read the original article -

SUNDAY MAGAZINE | July 22, 2009
Motherlode: In Support of Bottle Feeding
By Lisa Belkin
Although breast feeding should be encouraged, doctors urge more assistance for mothers who choose bottles.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/22/in-support-of-bottle-feeding/?emc=eta1

 

Top 10 ways to be a geekdad while out on the lake - excerpt from Geek Dad

Added my three Geek Mom contributions:

1. Calculating the number, speed and circumference of whips and figure-8s to make the tube ride fun and not dump the kids.


2. Headset for the walkie-talkie in one ear, bluetooth for the cellphone in the other. Finding a walkie-talkie that’s bluetooth ready - bonus points.


3. Tube-based webcam. 360 degrees.

Re-posting via Wired: GeekDad by Dana Bostic on 7/22/09

My children and I love spending time on one of our local lakes. Filling
the boat with gear, finding a nice spot to camp, tubing, knee boarding,
and cooking out are all part of what I really want to share with my
children. On this last time out, I did notice several Geeky activities,
so here I present my Top 10 ways to be a GeekDad while out on the lake.
Please feel free to comment with any Geeky activities that you enjoy
out on the lake.

10. Writing this article while on the lake. Did I take my laptop and
broadband access card on vacation with my family to one of the most
beautiful lakes in North America. Are you kidding?

9. Thinking how much better the picture would look with a Digital SLR.
Imagine how much detail I missed in this picture, if only I could have
shot this on a 10 megapixal SLR with 200mm lens.

Read the rest of Dana's post here and comment...

 

 

Capturing moments - when the Canon Powershot is indispensible

I'm not sure what inspired them, but last night the kids broke out in song following dinner. Ariel has become obsessed with Puff the Magic Dragon - she absolutely loves the song and will listen to it over and over again. It's cute although we are really looking forward to when she develops a broader repertoire of music.

Because of sacred time, I was right there able to capture it on our Canon Powershot - which has all the functionality of the Flip AND is an incredible still camera - thanks Best Buy!



Benjamin stayed in tune while creating his own funny lyrics. Even better, he's learning to play Puff on the piano so I think a full rendition of the song is in my future. Sometimes my kids teach me how to parent them. Since I love to perform and can sing and play piano, I'll sometimes join in to "help" Benjamin on the piano or in singing something. He's pretty clear - he'll ask for help when he wants it and the rest of the time, he'd like me to let him work it out. Humbling, but appropriate, no? What do your children teach you about parenting?

Home invasion - how we manage kids’ time with TVs and computers

Computers, TV and video games are fun. Addictive, time draining, brain zoning fun…and even the WII, whose games apparently get kids moving around still involves the television or computer monitor. From watching our kids we know that they, like us, zone out when the TV has their attention. It’s clear that their brains are taking a break. The computer is a bit better – they can interact with it, but I still intuitively feel it’s not as good as playing a game, running in the yard or reading a book.



Before our kids could ask for it, we decreed our home a video-console free zone. This was also before the WII which I must admit I want to own. Benjamin and Taylor envy the Nintendo DS whenever they see it – in fact, it’s led to more interactions with the snarly version of Benjamin than I care to recall.


During the school year, the kids understand that the rule is no TV or computer during the week except for homework. Saturday and Sunday have a two hour daily max, except for football season – which has a one-game max. There’s not a lot of time for them to watch TV during the week and I don’t see the reason for it. Of course, I’m not home with the kids – and neither is anyone else. They’re in school, day care, activities or playing with friends or each other. I appreciate how an in-the-home mom needs a break and a little TV every day apparently doesn’t hurt pre-schoolers as long as the parent controls the programming. Blue’s Clues and Dora are in…Ninja Turtles…not so much. Thank God for TiVo and every DVR that copied it.

We’re not alone in our determination for our kids to learn to entertain themselves and each other without electronics. President Obama regaled the NAACP last week about how we need to raise our children. People who are angry that he singled out the Xbox are missing the point of his lecture. I’m not sure the President of the United States should be focused on parenting and I hope he neither taxes nor regulates it.

We’re going to break down on our gaming console ban soon – we’re planning a 16-20 hour drive from San Francisco to Big Sky, Montana. Peace and quiet in the car requires extreme measures…like a console that plugs into the car DVD system and allows the kids to vary their entertainment. That said, I’ve asked the installer for an “all-off” button so that Mom and Dad in the front seat can shut off all electronics and ensure that our kids notice the majesty of the Rockies and Yellowstone.

How much TV and computer time is in your child’s life and how do you ration it?

The answer is more sleep. What's the question?

My friend Laurette had a two month old daughter and called me on the carpet with “you bitch (smile in voice)! How could you not tell me what to do with my screaming daughter when you knew the answer?“ The answer is more sleep. Now, what is the question?

Laurette’s daughter was screaming when she was put down. She thought she was putting the baby down too early and she didn’t want to go to sleep. It’s a logical, adult conclusion. And completely wrong.

We learned early on that sleep begets sleep. To have (relatively) happy children, a good bet is more sleep starting as young as possible. For Laurette this meant putting her daughter down every night 15 minutes earlier and earlier until she found the hour where her daughter went to sleep with a few whimpers. Of course, her daughter slept through the night at 10 weeks or so. My kids needed to be forced to sleep through the night at 4 ½ months after I was ridiculed by the more seasoned moms in my first office.

After my first child was born and I returned to work, I was dragging because I had a nursing baby waking up at 2:00am to nosh. The other office moms laughed at me and I asked to know the joke.

• First child, you jump out of bed when they whimper to check if they are okay. You nurse and comfort them as needed until you are utterly exhausted.


• Second child, you jump out of bed when they are really screaming and might wake up the first child. You nurse them if there is no other option to get them to sleep.


• Third child, you throw out the monitor.

All three children grow up just fine.


That night, I kissed my son goodnight, told him I would see him at 6:30 am and turned off the monitor. I slept soundly and at 6:30 am, he was happy to see me. I don’t actually know how many nights he cried at 2:00am, but I don’t think it lasted very long. We were both a lot happier on a full night’s sleep.